I am new to scholars; just did my first few models and orientation. I have been listening to the podcast for ~6 months. My husband and I have been married for 15 years; we have 2 children and I am currently 7 months pregnant with our 3rd. He is a caring and supportive and productive in his work and in our home. However, my husband drinks beer and smokes pot 5 days per week after he is done with work and on the weekends – this is dramatically more then prior to COVID – used to just be on the weekends. We have had many talks about this both pre and post COVID. We have been to counseling for this with a therapist 3 years ago. I think it is a problem and he doesn’t. I understand I can’t control or have a manual for another person, but I have so many negative thoughts about this behavior and how it affects myself and our kids. It negatively impacts me because he snores when he drinks so I can’t sleep, he smells bad, etc. He isn’t out of control, but he is “altered and high” and displays a different personality than his normal self which I don’t enjoy. I feel like he places priority of using these substances over our relationship.

C: husband drinks beer and smokes pot
T: he is using drugs/alcohol to buffer; he is unable; I’m not good enough as a wife; our kids/house are too stressful for him
F: I feel anxious/tense
A: I am unable to connect with him; withdraw from our relationship
R: we have a disagreement and are both unhappy

I try to turn this model around but I can’t get past the negative feelings and find something positive here:
C: husband smokes pot and drinks beer
T: pot and beer don’t make him a bad person or husband/father
F: Love – he is a good father/partner

I feel like switching this model around is lying to myself and I can’t figure out how to make it work or make it better.
Any advice would be much appreciated.