I am wondering about what the deal is with not wanting certain circumstances. Is it a form of resistance? There are many things in my life that I don’t want – like my job, a certain project at work, certain relationships, etc.
C: my life
T: I don’t want it
R: I don’t want my thinking
Oh I can see how I am seeing myself as a victim of these circumstances. Like they are happening to me and not that I am choosing them. I feel like if I told the truth about not wanting to do the project at work (I brought it up at masterclass and you told me to for sure say no because that would be hardest) that everything else would come crashing down and I’d start telling the truth about everything I don’t want to do anymore such as my job. I feel like it’s wrong to not want my job or to do these projects I’ve been asked to do. I also feel like kind of worthless and like I couldn’t get a comparable job somewhere else. So I know my relationship with myself is the issue. The job is just a way to buffer and create drama and escape myself.
I know that I still am terrible at thinking about my job. I changed my March sentence to believing that I am an amazing designer, developer, marketer. This is why I signed up for scs back in September and I haven’t really even done much work on this aspect of my life. It feels impossible to change at this point. I’ve been practicing this way of being for years. There’s so many other things that play into this too, such as buffering with social media and alcohol because it provides an escape from my thoughts about hating myself and the resulting feelings. And I’ve created a bunch of debt also trying to feel better about me and my job. So there’s money (spending and earning) that I want to work on too. I’ve spent a lot of time going through all the material in scs and now am feeling I need to just pick one thing and commit to it. The thing with my job is there’s not really a way to measure the goal. How do you measure feeling better about something. That’s why I start thinking about a money goal because money and my job are connected and measurable but it would mean splitting my attention because I’d have to figure out how to make more money by getting another job. However I can see that if I can get my head straight about my current job, it’s going to set me up for the future to become an entrepreneur and have more loving relationships and so it kind of makes the other goals less relevant. How do you pick something when they all feel so important and intertwined?