I’m so restless all the time. I eat when I’m restless. I drive when I’m restless. I leave home. I don’t know what’s so bad about it that I run from it all the time. It feels like “I need to do something.” “I can’t sit here.” ”I’ll feel better if I go get food.” I enjoy that it results in me going on trips or drives. I connect with myself that way. However, the negative effects of it have a cost. I spend money, and I’ve gained a lot of weight from eating to avoid or react to restlessness. I feel anxiety and restlessness every day. So much I’d say it’s my circumstance.

I guess I feel restless is ruining my life because I need to do something with my life. I’m always just running from my feelings and chasing a feeling. As much as I say I want to feel better, I don’t. This is so familiar and comfortable even though it’s not helping me. I’m afraid of dealing with restlessness and feeling it because I like to react to it by traveling. I know I need to stop spending money and not working on my goals. I feel like this restlessness is what I spend my life running from.

I’m far in the pool with my thoughts right now, so I’m not even trying to make sense of what I want to figure out.

C: restlessness
T: I have to do something about it
F: owned
A: not question it. Eat. Drive. Buffer
R: I do something about it in an unhelpful way.

C: I don’t make enough to meet apartment requirements
T: I should be doing something with my life
F: frustrated
A: judge myself. Try to shame myself into action. Talk to others about what I need to do. Not work
R: I don’t do what I want to do with my life?

C: I spend 20 plus dollars on food a day/ my business has 0 clients
T: I keep fucking off
F: annoyed
A: judge myself. Eat. Avoid myself. Sulk. Play victim
R: I keep myself in the cycle of create pain, buffer, shame self… I keep “fucking” off