All this self-awareness, spouse is antiquated.

Hi there!
The long story short is, I’ve been married for 23 years. The start & Middle & all except the past 2 years have been rough (I know my thoughts). It started with a guy who declared he didn’t want to get married, an engagement under duress, an engagement ring I paid for, a guy not showing up for his parts of the actual wedding day prep, zero respect during marriage, an emotional relationship years late with an ex, culminating with lying repeatedly to me in the end about that & going to my family to ‘side’ with him.
I get it, I get it! It’s all past, can’t change it. It’s all my thoughts. I work the models over & over. I come to intentional thoughts & I don’t know if I want to have different thoughts?
This all happened. I allowed myself to experience all this. I have grown exponentially over the past years, and particularly since knowing & working the model and you!

What if I don’t want to think differently? How do I just let-go of the zero trust?
What’s interesting is that I can recognize his pattern of growing up “never pleasing” important people in his family, that now I realize is projected onto me. When I try to approach conversations & dynamics from that perspective, I am greeted with defensiveness & passive aggression (which frankly, I don’t think is so passive).

Another question (I know this has been a loaded ‘Ask Brooke’) is, how can I approach (think about) things differently so even when I get this repeated brick wall of patterned thinking & responses from him, I don’t feel like I do all of this work & change & meet his expectations that I need to change, I don’t keep thinking “why am I doing all this change & You don’t have to do any work to grow & change? ”
I know why I am growing & changing… FOR ME!! And I love it!!! It’s just really frustrating living with someone who feels like a dead weight…