My husband’s weight has been a problem for me our entire time together, married 9 years next week, going on 15 years together. His body is his to do with as he pleases. Here’s how it’s a problem for me:
– He has poorer health due to his lifestyle and weight, which means he sleeps poorly, snores, sleep apnea, needs a machine to breathe at night, is tired and falls asleep all the time, has less energy to work and play with the kids / family activities. This could all be neutral, but the resulting circumstances it creates is a lifestyle I do not want.
– He doesn’t want to go swimming or go to the beach because he is self-conscious about his body. This affects my quality of life and my kids.
– I am less attracted to him. Not just because of the weight itself, but because I find it attractive to take care of one’s body, and unattractive to not take care of one’s body.
– It affects our sex life.

I want my husband to lose weight. Yes, it’s possible to have sex with an overweight person, as it’s possible to have sex with someone who is 9 months pregnant. It’s just I don’t want to have sex with someone who’s 9 months pregnant every time. His weight factually affects what is possible to do, the execution of what is possible to do, and how attracted I am to him.

One of the actions I am taking to improve our sex life is reading. I am reading 50 Shades of Grey rather than watching tv at night. It’s making me horny, but when I try to have sex with husband, it still just doesn’t work. As in we give up. I had my own Christian Grey when I was younger. The attraction sparked, as in the book. There was an electricity there beyond our thoughts, it was something physical where we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, even though we tried. It wasn’t just the 50 shades kind of sex that was amazing, the vanilla sex was amazing too. I’ve never had that kind of passion with my husband. He is, however, my soul mate and best friend, and that’s why I am still together with him now and will be for the rest of my life.

I am working on my thoughts about his body and our sex life.

Unintentional model:
C: Husband
T: Sex aint workin
F: Unhorny
A: Reject sexual contact
R: Sex aint workin

Intentional model
C: Husband
T: We can have great sex
F: Curious
A: Explore how to improve sex life (reading, experimenting)
R: Feeling more interested in sex, more connected to husband

I will keep working on my thoughts, but I will still be factually less attracted to my husband than if he took care of himself. I want to tell my husband that I would be more attracted to him and we would have more sex and better sex if he took care of himself, by eating better and exercising. How can I do this so that it’s a request more than an attempt to control him?