I am seeing how much I hate myself and don’t trust myself. I just read the response to the question “Coaching on how stop beating yourself up” because I struggle with that too. The answer sounded so nice and like complete bullshit at the same time. My thoughts that I am an idiot, that I screw everything up, that I waste so much time, and that my friend’s boyfriend and siblings are better than me and have done so much better with their lives are so strong. I have so much evidence that they’re true.

I joined self coaching scholars to make myself better and effective at managing my time and emotions but I still watch myself waste time and make the same mistakes over and over. I am so mad at myself for everything I do wrong, for the choices I’ve made that have led me to this point in my life.

I don’t know how to be compassionate or patient or forgive myself. That just seems like a copout as if I’m not addressing the problems that I have. Telling myself, I forgive you for your mistakes that have wasted your time, life and money just seems like some stupid make-believe conversation. It doesn’t feel real it doesn’t lift any pain. It doesn’t do anything.

To me, my C line is that I am a loser that’s wasted their life. I’m a loser that can’t manage their time. I’m a loser that’s going be stuck in this forever. And of course that’s going to give me exactly that result. How can I start believing something different? Any attempt at changing just feels like bullshit and I don’t buy it.