The secret to loving

Hi! I’m listening to the secret to loving call from last Friday, and I’m kind of struggling with it.

When she asked me to think of someone who I believe to be unlovable, I can’t think of anyone. I believe that all creatures, even cockroaches, are divine, they all ARE love, there is nothing inherently unlovable about anyone or anything. Not even serial killers.

When she asked me to think of how much I love myself, I’d say a 6/10. I think I’m pretty cool, I’m successful, I’m beautiful (by society’s standards), I’m generally “good at things”. I like those things about myself, but I’m certainly not basking in unconditional love for myself. I don’t constantly berate myself like I used to, but I wouldn’t aspire to have this kind of relationship with my soulmate.

What keeps me from being at a 8/10? Well, I think mostly because I’m scared that if I love myself as I am, that others won’t. So I am often trying to change myself in order to get approval from others. Yes, I know that’s codependent. But I actually don’t think anything needs to change to make me more loveable, except that I need to stop abandoning myself in order to try to get OTHERS to love me instead.

I also had a really hard time trying to think of someone ELSE who I love unconditionally. Do I truly love unconditionally? I don’t think I really even know what that means. I’m either loving everyone unconditionally, or nobody unconditionally, because really nothing stands out. But as I write that, I KNOW that I’m not basking in loving feelings majority of the time. I mostly feel a general fondness for people, but also a lot of distance. Yes, I keep others at arms length. Sometimes, loving feels like “too much”, I become afraid of losing the love so it’s easier just to keep it at an arms length. Or, I feel like it’s not reciprocated, so I scale it back, focus on myself.

I hear people talk about love all the time and I kind of just wonder, like, why don’t I have love in my life? I’m not miserable, but I certainly don’t feel very much love. My relationship with my family isn’t great, I live in another country from them, but of course I love them. And everyone else, well, they often just feel like accessories in my life. Do I sound like a sociopath? Hahaha, I’m not, actually, but I don’t really get too attached to people.

I feel like there’s something in here that’s very valuable to me, because I’m actually pretty irritated that other people can just bring someone to mind that they unconditionally love. I don’t even know what to do with this information – I know I feel disconnected in my relationships. I’d like to feel more love in my life. I just can’t even bring to mind a person or animal that I just absolutely love SO much that bringing their image to mind makes me feel the vibrational state of love. Is that weird?