Weighing myself

Hi –

I have tried countless times to lose ten pounds and stick to a protocol, but I have not yet been successful. What happens is that my urges to binge are so strong, I think they are a “cover up” for emotions I don’t get think I can face. I know I have a lot of abandonment, rejection, guilt, shame and grief hidden under there. I have really really tried to just cut it all out but I always end up bingeing.

When I try to allow the urge, it feels more than mildly uncomfortable. I know there is an emotion in there that I THINK I’m willing to experience, but clearly I’m not.

What the heck am I supposed to do about this? I’ve tried to tell myself that “I can feel hard things” and “I can feel this, it’s okay”, but I still can’t get through it. Do I just keep trying?

I also think that I’m just not ready to weigh myself daily. I’m so incredibly triggered by the scale that I don’t think I can handle the way I feel when it’s gone up.

Why can’t I feel my feelings? Is something pathologically wrong with me? Is it really THIS hard for everyone?

Also I do no sugar no flour and have for heats, except when I binge about once a week. It’s not a joy eat. I actually don’t even ever want sugar for pleasure. I use it exclusively as a numbing agent.