A whole lot of mess: self sabotage, the same mistakes, dreams, self worth & rebellion

I’ve been in SCS for several months, focusing on losing weight, but applying the concepts and thought work to other areas of life along the way. I’m making progress. But here’s the deal. Every time I start to make real progress – see a new lower number on the scale for the first time, for example – I freak out and sabotage myself.

I plan, do regular thought downloads and track my food. I can see myself overeating LESS, but I’m still overeating. Joy eats send me into a spiral every single time – even though I plan for it to happen. I appear to be afraid of success but have been unable to identify the specific thoughts behind my actions. I often hear myself thinking things like – You should be making more progress. Why is this so hard? Everyone else is doing it – what’s your deal? You’ve made this mistake before; why aren’t you learning from your mistakes? I know that I am a pleaser by nature and yearn for people to notice that I’m making progress even though I hate being in the spotlight.

I even find myself thinking things like – Brooke would say that you can do better. (And I could! We could all always do more AND do it better.) Or even – Brooke would think you’re an idiot. I know this isn’t true and even if it was it wouldn’t matter but I just find myself so tired of … of … standing on my own, I guess. On one hand, I have all these grandious dreams and on the other hand, I’m telling myself that big dreams are for other people, not me.

The most life-changing SCS activity to date was from a podcast – you told us to have our future self write a letter to our current self. It literally took hours but was SO eye-opening and encouraging. I often read that letter to myself just to remember that I am amazing. But I still don’t always believe it. I have lived my life to date with an extreme all-or-nothing attitude – all in or nothing at all. Always concocting the next big plan. That works for awhile but then it gets old or my will power runs out.

Your program is the first that I’ve found to actually be sustainable – something I could do for the rest of my life – and yet I still fight the all-or-nothing mindset and struggle to stay on protocol. I’ve realized that I’m somewhat of a rebel on the inside. And going off protocol is rebellious. But against whom or what?? Rebelling against myself doesn’t even make sense. You’ve told me before that I need to make the commitment and then be true to myself. I AM committed. I mean, just by the fact that I’m still here and still doing the work is huge.

But I don’t know that I’m true to myself or always have my own back, as I’ve heard you say so many times. I care too much about what other people think and base my self worth on outward tasks, such as my ability to lose weight or complete all of the items on my to do list… even though I know you tell us that we are “worthy just the way you are.” I’m tired of trying… tired of coming up short… just plain tired and wishing to plug into the Matrix. 🙁 Yes, I know those are thoughts. Can you pretty please help me get to the core issue, sort out my thoughts and help me change them??
Thanks for all you do.