I don’t believe in myself and I want to. I feel very “stuck in confusion” over this, as it were because I don’t know why I don’t believe in myself or why I’m not “choosing to believe in myself” (I guess I don’t think that’s possible?). I don’t like living with myself (and I think I am still considering my brain to be myself because I really don’t like living with the constant feed of negativity that my brain feeds me. I see that I constantly look for something to blame, yet then I am “giving away my power.”

I think no one really likes me or wants me around and it makes it very hard to reach out to people in my community for help. No one reaches out very often to me (which just adds to my thoughts) and when they do happen to, I already have a plan to do something else or I’m not interested in what they’re doing. This creates thoughts for me that are “Well, why would I ever expect them to come do what I want if I’m never available for when they invite me?” And then that creates self-blame. I don’t understand how to take responsibility for something without it becoming self-blame. It’s usually I’m blaming others (or things or circumstances) or I am blaming myself.

I am also finding it very difficult to focus on one thing. I have 100 tabs open at once on my computer. Sometimes I get to a point where I’m so overwhelmed, I shut them all down. Within a week, I’ll have 100 more. When I try to write in for help here, I have like 10 things I want to talk about at once because they’re all intertwined for me and in my head, but then I think it’s hard to get actual help and advice when I can’t slow down enough to figure out what I’m trying to resolve.

I was doing well on a diet for about a year and decided to allow myself a treat when I was on a trip recently. That has spiraled into me eating a lot of stuff I don’t think I should eat (according to tests and overall how the food makes me feel) and a lot of “I don’t care. It doesn’t matter” thoughts. I’m pausing right now trying to remember what I wanted to talk about wondering why I feel blank and some thoughts of “they can’t help you” and “this doesn’t work” come up.

I don’t think this program is enough for me. I really think I need 24/7 support and someone to reach out to when I am alone and check on me to make sure I’m doing my homework. I don’t want to think that. I want to believe I can do it on my own. But I’ve been paying for this program and doing basically nothing with it the last couple of months.

I don’t even know what I want by posting this.