This past weekend I went wine tasting with a few people I knew, most I didn’t, but was really looking forward to it. We rented a limo bus and the drive there was fine, I chatted with a couple people. At the wineries I mingled and was comfortable talking to people even though I was the only one there without a plus one and I’m an introvert.
The drive back turned into another experience. I was not drunk, maybe slightly buzzed, which was not the case for most everyone else. People were up dancing, loud music, it was like a coed bachelorette party.
That’s when all the thoughts really started happening. Mostly things like: “these aren’t my people” “I’m alone on this bus” “this is terrible but I have to pretend it’s fun” “I’m always the odd one out, always alone.”
It was interesting to me how intensely that experience made me feel lonely. I ran off the bus, went straight home and cried. It’s not the first time I’ve felt or thought this but I haven’t been this emotional in a long time.
I did some models on the thoughts and the most painful one that surfaced was:
“The only person who really got me was my mom, she was my person and now she’s gone” She died when I was 18 (35 now) but we were extremely close. I’m wondering if you can help me with creating that for myself, relying on myself to be my person. Right now I don’t see it as possible, I look for evidence that everyone else has “a person” and I’m on my own. Even Brooke has Chris for example:)
My initial thought and reaction when I feel this way is I’m never going to hang out with them again. And honest to god today I’ve been catching myself thinking “I should just move, go somewhere no one knows me.” It’s interesting (not surprising) my brains solution to being lonely is to isolate myself more. It’s an example of a big pattern where I withdraw or push people away and I’m ready to change it.